hush my baby now

I feel numb.

I feel selfless.

I feel unwanted.

Smiles are at such a distance and I want it, I want pure happiness but it's so hard. It's so hard to wake up from disturbia and find a humble sanctuary. I only get closer to the point were I can't take no more. I only get closer to forgetting what I stand for.

life.

How deep is our perception on life? How are we supposed to know when times out? When we can stop watching the clocks repeat there circular motion? Life is nothing to be sure of. The after life can only be sure on complete and utter devotion to God. With the snap of a finger it could all be over, and before we catch a grasp on how quickly the earth turns it fades to black. We become something we desire and yearn for. Dead. How is it we have such attention for the bad things this world consumes? Death. Sinning. Addiction. We all step into that whirlpool of selfish material and tempt fate. We dance with the devil.

i don't know.

I can't help but feel there is something missing. As if everything I stand for doesn't have ground. Like I'm stepping on hot rocks until I find my destination. I can't stop thinking that if something else leaves my life I'm going to be balancing on rope of complete failure. I'm looking for signs to tell me what to do, but they never prove a point, they are arrows leading into one direction. A direction I'm yet to find. I'm guessing, I'm thinking, I'm wondering what am I supposed to be doing? Where am I meant to go? I want but I can't get. I dream but I can't live it. I'm in an unknown place that I can't escape, my body is warning me to leave before I'm caught up but I can't. I feel something here, either it be a sense of comfort or just warmth. This unknown place brings something other than unhappiness. I just want a way out, I'm over feeling a passion towards fear. I'm so lost, I'm so confused, I'm so I don't know.

Drag me to hell

I truly don’t believe that we humans have a strong understanding on the small things that hold our lives together, or how one small rip can tear apart the seams of happiness. We grow up in the firm grips of our parents who constantly clip our wings until we are ready to fly out into the big bad world on our own. Our imaginations are assembled by every vivid image we see. Our memories are forgotten with every year we age. But maybe, it’s good to forget the little things that destroyed the bliss moments of growing up. Maybe if the pieces of a good childhood are lost somewhere in the box, the rest of the puzzle can’t and won’t ever be complete. The marvellous photo of peaceful glee is nothing but a mess. How do we come to comprehend that life won’t brighten up to be more then lifeless frowns and flawless tears? How do we understand the useless saying of “everything happens for a reason” when that soul reason is dragging me to hell?

Disrespectful

I'm a believer of the after life, that once our bodies have finished on earth our soulds find a place to serve themselves. So hopefully that means somewhere, far, far away the people that have passed away are watching over us like angels. Their skin reflecting natures light, giving us the impression of pure serenitity.

Oh forgive me Father, for I have sined.

I have never understood how humans can still show complete and utter disrespect for someone who just walked that soliatry walk of death. Why must we continue to ridecule a being even though their family has lost everything dear to them. Regardless of the amounts of tears fallen off cheeks, the pain one feels inspirit of another. How can people still humiliate and disrespect someone who has just passed.

Rest in peace, Michael Jackson

mybeing.

Why do I have to impress people, yet I never want the most attention. I avoide direct eye contact and turn my back on strangers looking me up and down. I despise conversations about my being but I am the person that directs it to being about me. I am reserved on my own but I outshine others. I have never understood myself and I can't comprehend why?

"You can never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb inside his skin and walk around in it"

I have come to wonder if I can't understand the little things I do, can anybody else? I'm just like a lonely shadown yet to find my body.

whats happened.

So problem now is, I don't have any internet due to possibly the most horrible experince in living, for myself and family. Won't be long now until I'm living in a home that disgusts me. Until I have nothing left but my being, because everything I stand for will be shortly demolished from the earth. Don't worry about me though, no body else does. Time heals but memories never disapear and it isn't until you live these experinces do you truly understand what it is like to be hurt.