goodbye

To many nights I have looked up into that star-filled sky dreaming of hope. To many nights I have pushed my bed close to my window just to fall asleep staring out into space. But not tonight, things are different now and I have got to realise that staring up into that sky won’t bring me happiness anymore. Isn’t it funny how things can change so rapidly that before your head can grasp the concept your life is already going to be different? I guess we never prepare ourselves for misguided fortune that can lead each self into a spiral of lost emotions. My emotions have never discovered themselves to be more than simple and I’ve never realised it until this very moment. Like a lot of things, nothing has become more apparent to me then now. Maybe its every last bit of dignity clenching onto what’s left of happiness before the cloud of remorse makes its way through my body. I remain silent, thoughtful whilst my hunger for sleep yearns deeply inside my tired skeleton. Yet my eyes don’t want to fracture their way shut just now, for tomorrow is to close and every last second, every lingering minute is hovering around my weary head screaming at me to endure the time. This time won’t be prolonged; it is all I have left to sleep peacefully with your protective arms close to my comfort. The period of scarce fear will be soon away from my heels whilst the pressure of unbearable ripping shatters apart the remainders of my heart. What is worse though? I cannot think of anything more distressing then tears brought upon your face. It hurt me once before, why do I bring it upon you once again. I’m waiting for that moment to notice you’re gone or even worse realise that you’re not coming back.

My days seem to be going on forever, I contemplate running far away from my soul until I find a humble place to lie quietly thinking. But until that becomes real I stay deeply attached to myself, watching the picture show of memories revolve around in my head. Every smile, every laugh we all shared has been momentarily etched into my mind. For now, it is all I have to hold onto to break through on my own. Why did I not expect this? My mind never wanted to focus on life and what cards it was yet to deal me but I was so blind not to see, what was happening before my eyes. It may have been my selfish gesture aimed to myself, or that I was too occupied with my own world then the worlds that needed me the most. If I could just stop time, leave the hands dangling, cease the repetitive ticks that play with my mind then I could just remember you the way I want too.